


Interview with Character Fans and Bashers: Scene One

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Bashers, Comedy, Fans, Gen, Interviews, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander's biggest fan argues with Xander's biggest hater.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interview with Character Fans and Bashers: Scene One

**A Play of One Act**  
**Scene One:** Xander Harris  
**Scene Two:**  Spike (William the Bloody)  
**Scene Three:** Buffy Summers  
**Scene Four:** Rupert Giles  
**Scene Five:** Willow Rosenberg

 

  
**Scene One**

  
**Characters:**

  
  
Sosa = the interviewer  
Xasher = A girl who is anti-Xander (Basher) this character is mine, I invented her, and she's just awful.  
Xanboy = A guy who is pro-Xander (Fanboy) this character is mine, I invented him, and he's twice as awful.

 

 

~*~*~*~

  
  


Act I  
Scene I

 

 

_Lusciousxander at 11.15 p.m. The 22 year old interviewer walks to the stage, she raises her hand, greeting her audience. Everybody claps eagerly as she brushes her soft, thick, beautiful, black hair behind her shoulder. She has the best figure, eyes, lips, nose anyone ever seen. Anyway, she's the fairest, richest of them all._

Interviewer: Good evening gentle viewers, this is your devoted, rich hostess Sosa, whom you all love because of her expensive gifts rather than her knowledge of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or her silly interviews with the mad guests…

_(Sosa stops talking at the great shriek from someone in the audience waving his arms like a maniac.)_

Sosa: Ahh, it's you Random Guy, hope you liked Angel's 1967 Plymouth GTX Convertible in Starlight Black which you've won last week.

_(She nods at the louder yell of approval)_

Sosa: Anyway, gentle viewers, today on Interview with Character Fans and Bashers we'll be discussing Xander Harris from Buffy the Vampire Slayer with two special guests. Here's to Xander's biggest fanboy: Xanboy!

_(Xanboy is a guy in his mid twenties, his hair is shaggy and unruly. He is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, baggy pants and is flipping a shiny nickel in the air. He waves a hand to the audience before sitting down.)_

Sosa: And now let's clap our hands for Xander's greatest basher: Xasher!

_(A girl in her early twenties walks in, wearing leather all over and has shiny blond hair. Her eyes are sharp, but Sosa's are way prettier.)_

Sosa: So, Xanboy, can you tell us why you like Xander?

Xanboy: Xander is the best, man. He has military knowledge and knows how to shoot an arrow. He should have gotten that Initiative storyline! And Buffy should have opened her fucking blind eyes and see the man in front of her instead of boinking the dead. That necrophiliac freak.

Sosa: Please, Mr. Xanboy, no swearing, and we're not discussing Buffy here. We're discussing Xander.

Xanboy: Buffy is the shittest friend ever.

_(Xasher scoffs)_

Xanboy: It's the fucking writers, dude. They plain hate Xander! I really wonder sometimes if the writers hate the character or Nicholas Brendon, 'cause the treatment of both is just ludicrous.

Sosa: Why do you feel that way, Xanboy?

Xanboy: Because Xander wasn't given at least _one_ friend or confidant in the earlier seasons since Buffy created somewhat of a symmetry between Xander and Willow. I mean for me it's fucking awful to watch a character like Xander who doesn't have an authority figure or even a single peer who believes in him or cares about him. Then there are scenes like in Amends where he's sleeping _outside_ and _alone_ and no one seems to care. And trying to be everyone else's emotional rock and support when no one even attempts to ever really be there for him. Sometimes I just want him to leave Buffy in that puddle underneath the church or let Willow implode up on the cliff.

Sosa: So you say Buffy and Willow were lousy friends?

Xanboy: They're so fucking are!

Xasher: That's not true! It's Xander who's the lousy friend! Buffy and Willow always cared about him.

Sosa: Miss. Xasher, please, wait for your turn. _(turns to Xanboy)_ why do you think Buffy and Willow were lousy friends other than the leaving Xander to sleep outside during Christmas?

Xanboy: How about when Buffy acted like an uncaring bitch who couldn't be bothered to show the least bit of human concern for her sick friend because she wanted her Thanksgiving dinner to be perfect! Or Willow who cared more about the murderers who gave Xander the killing disease instead of kicking their asses.

Sosa: I think it's more because this episode was played for comedy.

Xanboy: Then Jane Espenson reached her worst levels of sit-com-ish hackery and bad characterization in the name of painfully trite attempts at humor.

Sosa: Uh… okay, now that we listened to Xanboy's opinion on Xander, let's hear what Xasher has to say. What do you think of Xander, Xasher?

Xasher: Xander is a self-righteous, self-indulgent, slob of an idiot. He should have been killed off in The Harvest instead of Jesse.

Sosa: Well, that's… a strong start. Eh… what else?

Xasher: His massive hypocrisy in condemning Buffy for dating first Angel, then Spike while he dated Anya a completely unrepentant ex-demon. His maltreatment of the women in his life. For example, cheating on Cordelia, constantly putting down Anya - she may have been evil but that doesn't make Xander's ongoing verbal abuse any better. The way he attached himself to Buffy, and acted jealous of her boyfriends despite the fact that they were never a romantic couple. I don't find Xander hanging around years after high school ended loyal, it comes across as bordering stalking.

Xanboy: What the hell?

_(Sosa holds a hand to stop Xanboy from interrupting.)_

Xasher: His pity-party in season seven when he complained about not having superpowers and whined about how unfair it was that all his friends had them. He wasn't funny. All his so-called jokes were thinly veiled barbs. He was a nasty piece of work who constantly insulted people in an oblique way because he didn't have the balls to confront them openly. He's hypocrite and manipulative…

Xanboy: Bullshit!

Sosa: How is Xander manipulative exactly?

Xasher: The way he makes the other characters like him despite how awfully he treats them. He's a manipulative, hypocrite, bigot…

Sosa: So you mean that he manipulated Buffy and Willow into liking him so it'll make it easier for him to hurt them some more?

Xasher: I was talking about Cordelia and Anya. But, yeah, Buffy and Willow also had suffered from his shit.

Sosa: Okay, so you have more to add?

Xasher: Xander is a bigot, and a hypocrite, self-righteous jerk with his holier-than-thou attitude. I just can't believe that Buffy kept being his friend after The Lie, that was a huge inexcusable betrayal and if one of my friends ever did that to me, I'll cut them out of my life.

Sosa: So you think that Buffy would have continued her mission better if she cut Xander out?

Xasher: Duh!

Xanboy: What a load of crap!

Sosa: Please, Mr. Xanboy, we don't like swearing in this show. Try to be more polite. It seems you're objecting on some of Xasher's views, can you tell us which ones?

Xanboy: How about the whole shit!

Sosa: _(sternly)_ Mr. Xanboy…

Xanboy: Buffy wouldn't have lasted those fucking seven years without Xander.

Xasher: _(Scoffing)_ Please, he's nothing but a burden, she could have done better than have him standing in the way. He rarely helped the situation, unless getting knocked out straight away was part of a big plan.

Sosa: _(softly with a look of wonder)_ I always assumed Giles is the one who gets knocked out a lot.

Xasher: Last but not least: Xander's obnoxious speech to Buffy in season five when he basically called her a turd for being angry with Riley over the vampire hooker thing and telling her that "Riley is the best thing that ever happened to you". Really Xander? A guy who 1) has serious issues with Buffy's strength; 2) whined that Buffy didn't pay enough attention to him when she was dealing with a sick mother, needy sister, various vamps and demons, a full college course load and a deranged hell god trying to destroy the world; and 3) engaged in unsavory quasi-sexual behavior with vampires was the best thing that happened to Buffy? I don't think so.

Sosa: So what do you think Xander's motivations were when he told her that speech in Into the Woods?

Xasher: Keeping Riley of course! Xander is clearly in love with Riley.

Xanboy: _(bursts laughing)_ fucking shit!

Sosa: _(is interested)_ Really? How so?

Xasher: Xander has a man crush on Riley. Besides, it's SO obvious he still has it for Buffy. Riley is the normal guy that represents Xander. If Riley gets to be with Buffy, it gives Xander hope to be with her.

Sosa: _(blinks)_ But Buffy said before that she wasn't interested in Xander. How Riley being with Buffy gives Xander the chance to be with her?

Xasher: Because Riley is living Xander's dream.

Sosa: Weren't Angel, Scott Hope and Parker living Xander's dream before?

Xasher: What?

Sosa: I don't think I follow you on why Xander wanted Buffy to date Riley.

Xasher: Because Riley is Xander's man crush.

Xanboy: Xander is not gay! He's the manliest of them all until these fucking writers decided to give Spike all the manly lines and make Xander a wuss.

Xasher: Xander has always been a wuss! "I laugh at the face of danger and then hide until it goes away"!

Xanboy: Xander was the one to drag Angel's coward ass to save Buffy from the Master! Buffy should have kissed his feet for saving her life!

Xasher: Buffy should have staked Xander the moment she met him, right there in the school hallway. Would have saved us all a lot of annoyance.

Sosa: But that will mean Buffy killing an innocent human…

Xasher: 'Innocent Human'? Xander? Puh-lease! I'm baffled at how he has a huge fan base. All I saw was a nasty, judgmental, hypocritical loser who constantly took potshots at everyone else under the guise of 'I'm just joking'. I'd cheerfully beat Xander into a bloody pulp for the appalling way he treated Anya.

Sosa: You mean when he left her at the altar?

Xasher: No, in the whole relationship! He was abusive towards her in so many disgusting ways I can't even describe!

Xanboy: How about the times when she was abusive to him?

Xasher: _(gasps)_ When was Anya ever abusive?

Xanboy: She usually kicks him when he's down, and is whiny as hell and doesn't know when to FUCKING SHUT UP!

Sosa: _(annoyed)_ Guys, guys, chill! Uh… 'abusive' is a very big word, I don't recall at any point of the show where Xander drags Anya by the hair, throws her to the floor, grabs his built and beats her up… nor do I remember Anya doing the same thing to Xander. Can you explain what you mean, Xasher?

Xasher: Sorry, I think I meant verbally abusive. Like when he called her 'stupid.'

Sosa: You mean at the end of the show when Xander said "That's my girl. Always doing the stupid things."?

Xanboy: Anya is the biggest verbal abuser on the show. She called Xander geek, freak and a whole lot of fucking insults more than I can count. She even hits him on the face, and wanted to erase his existence!

Xasher: Well, he deserved it for leaving her at the altar!

Xanboy: I could care less about that creep! She always remembers her evil past fondly, has no remorse whatsoever. I have no sympathy for that bitch.

Sosa: Mr. Xanboy, we're discussing Xander, not Anya.

Xasher: Xander is a hypocritical jerk for begrudging Buffy her relationships with vampires when he was engaged to an ex-demon who probably caused more carnage than either Spike or Angel combined. But that really isn't shocking considering that Xander's greatest skill is acting superior to everyone else.

Xanboy: **Ex** -demon. Anya was human. She was just a normal human with the memories of being a demon. And as for Xander talking down to Buffy and giving her shit for her necrophiliac tendencies: good. Someone needed to. Having balcony sex with a demon who's still actively trying to kill humans whenever he gets the chance isn't a good thing, and if Buffy's best friend isn't allowed to tell her that, then who is?

Sosa: Can we please get back to Xander. We're not discussing Spuffy here.

Xasher: Personally, I never liked how he treated Anya. Cordelia had a spine and would call him on his crap, but Anya was a doormat and I didn't really enjoy watching him wipe his feet on her over and over again.

Xanboy: I honestly don't give a damn how Xander treats Anya, because she cheerfully boasts about murdering tons of people, after all.

Xasher: Isn't it funny how most of Xander's fans are males?

Sosa: Uhm… _(raises a hand)_ I'm a Xander fan.

Xasher: _(gasps)_ How can you like that woman hating jerk?

Sosa: I… woman hating? Xander hates women?

Xasher: Duh! See how he treats 'his' women, let's just say he has that 'harem' attitude.

Xanboy: Bullshit! Xander has no problem with following Buffy or Willow's orders. He lets Cordelia and Anya insult him. These bitches hurt him and he lets them all the time, how is that woman-hating?

Xasher: Xander has always wanted to be Alfa-male, why else does he always question Buffy's leading decisions?

Xanboy: When did he do that?

Xasher: How about Becoming Part 1? Revelation? Empty Places?

Xanboy: That's it?

Xasher: He totally wants to be the leader!

Sosa: Uhm… I remember when Buffy died he voted for Willow to lead, that doesn't sound like someone who hates women or wants to lead.

Xanboy: The fucking writers didn't want him to lead because they hate Nicholas Brendon!

Xasher: Would you stop it with blaming the writers! Can't you just accept the fact that Xander sucks?

Xanboy: He doesn't!

Xasher: He's a typical male. Of course, he…

Xanboy: Typical male? What's that supposed to mean? Bitch!

Xasher: Jerk!

Sosa: _(waves her hands)_ guys, guys, no personal attacks, c'mon, we're here to discuss Xander!

Xanboy: She doesn't understand Xander at all.

Xasher: He worships Xander apparently. He can't see how much of a hypocrite, judgmental…

Xanboy: Shut the fucking up!

Sosa: _(angry)_ You two shut the F word up!

_(Both look at her silently.)_

Sosa: Here's what I think about Xander: I think Xander is an amazing character that represented us, the normal people, surrounded by supernatural happenings. He's a hero because he's not traditionally smart or strong or has a natural talent in magic yet he never quits, never fled, always there to fight. I don't believe he sees the world in black and white goggles, 'cause then he wouldn't have have accepted Oz and Anya in the group. He's prejudiced towards Angel and Spike because of many conflicts presented in the show. Despite his realistic flaws, he's loyal, caring, sweet, brave and protective towards the people he considers family.

I think the idea of him being abusive, or verbally abusive, towards Anya is utterly ridiculous. The only time I thought he was verbally abusive towards her was Entropy, other than that, no evidence of verbal abuse at all. I've always saw his quarrels with Anya as couply quarrels. I noticed he's rude to her sometimes, but so was she to him at times. I agree that Xander has double standards and is a hypocrite when it comes to his relationships and Buffy's, also when it comes to forgiving the people he loves and punishing the ones he doesn't. I noticed that he was rude to Buffy and Willow in some occasions, but that doesn't mean he's a woman hater or a bad friend. Friends fight. A lot. Hell my friends did more to me than whatever Xander did to Buffy and Willow, and I still forgive them because they deserve it. And I believe Xander deserves to be forgiven because his good qualities triumph over his bad ones in my opinion.

_(Xasher and Xanboy stare at Sosa quietly)_

Xanboy: Bullshit!

Xasher: If you don't understand how much of a self-righteous, hypocrite, bigot, selfish, coward, prejudice, manipulative, cruel, abusive asshole he is, then you are as much of a freak as he is. You both should die so the world would rest in peace! _(storms out)_

Xanboy: Xander has NEVER treated Buffy like shit. She's the one fucking treating him like shit. She should bow before his feet and thank him for saving her life every episode! You should be ashamed of yourself, how the hell do you call yourself a Xander fan when you accused him unfairly of being prejudice, hypocrite and with double standards? _(Storms out)_

Sosa: _(blinks)_ Uh… oookay, _(turns to her sleeping audience with a big smile)_ so the Xander discussion ends here, folks. Next time we meet we'll be discussing Spike…

_(Miraculous loud screams from fangirls)_

Sosa: with…

_(Louder screams from fangirls)_

Sosa: _(annoyed)_ a… SHUT UP!!!

_(Quiet audience)_

Sosa: _(smiles)_ Next time we will be discussing Spike's character with his biggest fan and basher. See you next week.

_(She stands up, bows to her audience who clap. She walks out of stage. The curtains slide closed.)_

 

~*~*~*~

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was written way back in 2006. :)


End file.
